Ashes fever gets underway with Drivers Jonas’ Richard Crook

Richard Crook with his mate Ian Botham - who also thinks the Ashes is the pinnacle of cricket
The Ashes is what Test cricket is all about – so says Sir Ian Botham – and who am I to disagree!
The idea of an ashes cricket blog was one of those late night Mipim conversations held with the PW journalists, yet unlike many of those conversations in the South of France this one has come to fruitition! So you may well ask why is a Marketing Director writing this cricket blog, and what credentials does he have?!?
Well, other than being an avid fan and part time player, probably in the Boycott mould of batting and in the slow right arm swing bowling mould, my pedigree is I guess in touring! Having been on the last two Ashes tours in Australia, the last 2 tours in the West Indies and the last South African tour, plus numerous home test matches, I also get involved in the world of cricket professionally through my role at DJ.
We have a specialist division called DJ Sport whose recent projects have included The Brit Oval, The Rose Bowl and Old Trafford. We are also proud community facility sponsors of Surrey Cricket Club, and over the years have also been Alec Stewarts sponsor – so what you may ask, well this have given me access to ask plenty of personalities in the world of cricket and their views for the forthcoming series.
PLAY UP PLAY UP AND PLAY THE GAME
So will the series be played in the correct Corinthian spirit of cricket? I see cricket Australia have banned the team from sledging! Well that’s like asking an Irish man not to drink Guinness. I don’t believe it for a minute, neither does Andrew Strauss who I see has said he expects England’s mental fortitude to be severely tested by Australia, but says his team have what it takes to handle the psychological warfare. Lets hope so, as they will need it, and sledging has brought out some of the funniest cricket moments ever…I think a blog of the best cricket sledges could be a real winner…
A few of my other favourites
Rod Marsh and Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: “So how’s your wife and my kids?”
Robin Smith and Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed:”You can’t f (_)cking bat”. Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f (_)cking bat and you can’t f(_)cking bowl.”
James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh……. MW : “F(_)k me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England” JO : “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family”
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky England batsman Mike Gatting the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”
RIGHT SAID FRED
So with one week to go until the first test in Cardiff what do we think of England’s chances? Well as always the key seems to be the fitness of Freddie Flintoff, and at the moment he is doing everything asked of him, and playing in the warm up game Vs Warwickshire having a few games under his belt for Lancashire as well. His bowling won’t be the problem, it never is, but we need him batting well at 6 or 7 in the order to give us the strength in depth in the batting.
Over the last week or so I’ve asked a few ex-players their thoughts on the likely team for Cardiff, Gooch says it is a certainty that England will play 2 spinners. Swann is first choice, with a battle for Monty and the promising Rashid for the other place. Mr G reckons it has to be Rashid and that Monty’s county form this year is abysmal, so who am I to argue.
Therefore, my prediction is that the team and line up bearing late injuries for Cardiff will be Strauss, Cook, Bopara, Pieterson, Collingwood, Prior, Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Rashid and Anderson. This means with only 3 seamers we need Freddie fit and firing, can he last for 5 days? The Aussie team is much harder to call, but at the moment it looks like Watson won’t be fit, so they may go with Marcus North and not play Hauritz the spinner, and possibly not even play Brett Lee – which wouldn’t be a great disappointment to the England batsman.
Strauss and Cook look solid as an opening pair, Strauss has risen to the captaincy and this is bringing out the best in his form, he excelled in the West Indies over the winter. Cook is a man in form, with centuries for Essex this summer and of course for England against the West Indies. Boparo looks a class act, and could be the star of the series – his mentor Graham Gooch certainly thinks so – and he comes into the series with 3 centuries in 3 knocks earlier this summer.
KP will rise to the occasion as he always does, you suspect he has waiting for this series for 2 years and will score big to make up for disappointments over the winter. Collingwood is England’s Mr Gritty, our very own Steve Waugh.
If he doesn’t score heavily early in the series his place will be under threat from Ian Bell. Prior is the wicket keeper batsmen purely because of his batting, averaging over 40 in tests. No doubt he is the best batsman of the keepers, but his keeping looks poor, he probably isn’t even the tenth best keeper in the country.
This brings Flintoff in at 7 which looks a better balance, good to see his 91 last week in the Twenty20 for Lancashire as his batting has been shocking, we need some lusty blows and quick runs from him. Broad looks a class act to follow, probably England’s find of the last year.
His batting is solid, and his bowling needs to be accurate and tight, our very own Glen McGrath, with a surprise quicker ball. He call let Freddie and Jimmy Anderson try and blast them out.
Swann has been a revelation, although he may be an orthodox spinner, he seems to have the confidence and verbals to thrive on the pressure, expect plenty of wickets and some useful late order runs. Rashid is the surprise pick, who would have thought England might out leg spin the Australians, but he is the element of surprise on his side, did well in the Twenty20, and is a very useful late order batsman with championship hundreds to his name. This brings us to Anderson, probably our form swing bowler, he needs some cloud cover to have a stunning series – but I reckon he is worth a punt as leading wicket taker this series.
Expect Sidebottom to play on the less spin friendly pitches, and Bell to get at least 2 tests at some point….
PREDICTIONS
Well like 2005 it is going to close, I certainly don’t see a 5-0 win for the Aussies this time. If the sun shines in Cardiff I predict a win for England, followed by a win for the Aussies at Lords as our record there tends to be poor, I can see a draw at Edgbaston, an England win at a seaming Headingly followed by a tense draw at the Oval again – so I’m going for a 2-1 England win.
I’ll be spending most of this summer either glued to the action on TV or watching in person live from the ground for the latest blog updates, starting next week with 5 days in Cardiff.
So let’s hear your views on the team selection, best sledges and of course your predictions.
Just to get your juices flowing….



13 Responses to “Ashes fever gets underway with Drivers Jonas’ Richard Crook”
By David Hatcher on Jul 3, 2009 | Reply
Every Englishman’s favourite fast bowler, Glenn McGrath, has been the subject to the two best sledging comebacks of all time.
Firstly, when he was giving it some typically callous Ozzie talk to Eddie Brandes, the portly batsmen came out with this corker:
GM: Why are you so f**king fat?
Eddo Brandes: Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit.
A tad personal sure, but you have to give as good as you get.
And on a similar theme, when Ramnaresh Sarwan was creaming him through the covers time and time again in the West Indies sunshine old Pidge thought he would try some mind games, only to be put firmly back in his place by the supreme from Guyana.
GM: What does Brian Lara’s c*ck taste like?
Ronnie Sarwan: I don’t know, ask your wife.
Roll on 8th July. Richard, see you there for every day.
By Ben Coles on Jul 3, 2009 | Reply
Rich,
I think you are very well placed to write about cricket. As watching it is all you ever do.
My predictions:
Bopara man of the series, England 3-1 if Flintoff stays fit. Aussies will win at Lords and England will win at Cardiff and the Oval + 1 other. Collingwood will play his last test for England this summer. Joe Denly to be in the side by the end of the summer.
Rich Crook to be 1 stone heavier (16st) than he is now (15st) by the time of the toss at the Oval due to the amount of beer he will drink watching cricket.
Ben.
By Christopher Strong on Jul 3, 2009 | Reply
If Ian Bell plays for England this series, we really are doomed. The man has as much mental fortitude as Sir Harry Flashman at the charge of the light brigade.
They key will be to get Harmison some more overs at Durham, and then bring him in for the last three tests. The aussies have shown they don’t like him, and we know what he can do when in form.
My major fear is the fragility of our batting. Collingwood is no Steve Waugh (Waugh scored runs when his team was in trouble, Collingwood scores runs when he is in trouble). Flintoff is unlikely to score many runs, and Bopara, I hope he proves me wrong, has not proven himself against top class opposition.
It is going to be a fantastic series!
By Ian Bowles on Jul 3, 2009 | Reply
Always nice to see a cricket blog…
I played a low level league game a few years back and came up against a quick bowler who was a bit too good for me. They had an Aussie fielding at silly mid-off and after I played and missed at a couple he offered: “Mate you’ve got a bit of sh1t on the end of your bat” I turned my bat round to inspect the toe and he elaborated “No mate, the other end.”
By Mr G on Jul 6, 2009 | Reply
Good to have cricket blog and well done for making some bold predictions much better than sitting on the fence.
But Rashid didnt make the squad so GG was wrong too.
Odd you didn’t mention Harmison though, he must surely figure at some point and what no Onions ?
Can’t wait for the start though.
By Ricky on Jul 6, 2009 | Reply
I’m liking the confident predictions Richard and couldn’t agree more.
The Ozzies were a poor show at the 20:20 and are not even the same Test side they were in 2005.
Ripe for the taking I say.
By Steve Cox on Jul 6, 2009 | Reply
Crooky,
Great blog. Thought you might like a couple of additional sledges to add to your list:
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
“Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.
And my favourite of all time:
Ian Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney…
“You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!”
Enjoy the Ashes!
By Rob Bray on Jul 6, 2009 | Reply
I’m sure the retort to ‘How’s your wife and my kids?’ was ‘The wife’s fine but the kids are retarded.’
By Mike Hartley on Jul 7, 2009 | Reply
Great blog Rich – I’m delighted to see that everyone has so far agreed to take the opportunity to post as much Anglo Saxon as possible!
Whilst revelling in the fact that Brett Lee is out for tomorrow (only an Aussie would think this an appropriate name for a child), I thought I’d share a couple of other sledges that you can try out for the Sunday 3rd XI this weekend:
“Move out the way, Gatt. I can’t see the stumps” – Dennis Lillee addressing rotund England batsman Mike Gatting.
“No good hitting me there, mate, there’s nothing to damage” – Derek Randall to Dennis Lillee after being hit on the head by a bouncer.
“Can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot” – Aussie fan to England spinner Phil Tufnell.
“I’ll bowl you a f*****g piano, you Pommie poof. Let’s see if you can play that” – Merv Hughes to England batsman Mike Atherton.
“Mate, if you just turn the bat over you’ll find the instructions on the other side” – Merv Hughes to every England batsman who ever faced his bowling.
Enjoy Cardiff those of you lucky enough to be there!
By Geoff Thomas on Jul 8, 2009 | Reply
Rich,
Great blog…
The most unforgettable sledging incident has got to Dennis Lillee bowling to the legendary Viv Richards.
Lillee steams in, Richards plays and misses, next ball Richards plays and misses again, same thing happens for a 3rd time.
The mustachioed Australian informs the laid back Antiguan “its red, its about so big and you hit it with that lump of wood in your hand.”
Next delivery Richards smashes the ball for six, straight out of the ground.
He strolls up to Lillee and replies “you know what it looks like – you go and get it.”
By Rob Bray on Jul 8, 2009 | Reply
So where’s the incisive comment on the days play?
KP! You can take the boy out of South Africa but…..Like his rugby playing countrymen back on the veldt he can’t admit when he’s done something wrong. I’m sure I’ll forgive him by the 2nd innings. Having just looked at a photo of his missus on her lingerie site, if I was asked to give her a couple of balls, I’d definitely give her one!
By Rob Bray on Jul 8, 2009 | Reply
Some other things I had to share with you:
Having previously pondered the issues of playing at altitude in SA, Jacques Kallis, after a training run on the beach, went up to the coach (Woolmer) and asked him how many feet above sea level they were.
Couple of other blogs I just discovered,
http://amy-cricket.blogspot.com/ Very weird! Just read it.
http://lastofthesummerwhine.wordpress.com/ Very funny – e.g. Kevin Pietersen: Poor KP, three national anthems before the start of play and he didn’t know the words to any of them. He was so confused by that, he scampered several quick singles by running straight down the middle of the pitch……well, you’ve seen his dismissal by now. Not the worst shot in Ashes history, but f*cking close. Still, at least his end of play interview provided the best display of spin seen in the series so far.
Paul Collingwood: Needed 17 runs to upgrade to an OBE and did it with ease.
By James Beresford on Jul 21, 2009 | Reply
Lords – July 2009: “Carlsberg don’t do Test Matches, but if they did the would probably be..etc..!”